Do you ever struggle with being vulnerable??
Do you find it difficult to be real and authentic??
Do you find it scarey to be open and transparent??
Over the past few years I have been on a journey. Not a journey with a destination in mind but a journey whereby I see things along the way. Make new discoveries. Have adventures. Learn new things.
A journey that I hope never ends.
With my husband, children and a few especially close friends I can share my journey, my vulnerabilities, my real self and be totally authentic. I am not saying I am fake with everyone else. I am pretty real and honest and what you see is what you get. But I know there are some parts of me that I don't reveal to all.
My intention was to share my journey and heart here on this blog. Put it all out there. There was probably no-one reading it anyway. However, I have found it difficult. For quite some time I have wondered why. I love to write and journal and I find it easy to access my thoughts. Still I know I am holding back.
After a conversation with someone a while back I slowly began to realise why. It was a trust issue.
I don't have many followers and I really have no idea how many people read my blog without following. The numbers don't bother me. I don't blog to build numbers. But I am scared. Scared because I don't know. Scared because I don't trust. Scared because there are probably people I know in my community who do read my blog. Scared because I do not want to be judged or ridiculed.
I think I feel particularly vulnerable because I live in a small community. Everyone knows everything about everyone. And really the question I have to ask myself is do I want the people who are around me everyday in my community to know my heart and soul so openly. Do I trust them??
Honestly, no I do not. Some people yes. Absolutely. I trust them and know my heart and soul are safe with them. Others though, not so much. I have seen all to often the way people treat one another. And yes I know because I too don't always treat others as I should.
Revealing your heart, your passions, your soul can be scarey at the best of times but revealing these amongst those who you know around you in your everyday life is positively nightmare-ish.
So what is the answer? Do I continue to keep somethings hidden deep in my soul? Do I continue to only share with the 'safe' people in my world?? Do I blog superficially??
No, no and no.
I want to be vulnerable, real, authentic.
I want to be open and transparent.
I want to be me.
I could make some sweeping promise to start trusting right now today.
I could make a promise to reveal all here on this blog.
But I can't.
It doesn't work that way.
It takes time and prayer. It takes space and openess.
So my promise is this. To continue my journey. Continue to see what is shown to me and to continue to remain open to what is.
